First Steps, Old Shadows

Saturday arrived like a small gift. A day of rest in what often feels like a relentless endeavour. Training was limited to the morning, which, in this world, almost counts as time off.

The session was enjoyable. We began the first steps of a new form — the Eight Immortals Staff Form. It’s long, intricate, and demanding, involving a weapon that towers well above my head. It will take time. A lot of it. But that is no surprise here.

What surprised me was how natural the Bo Staff felt in my hands. More than any other weapon I’ve trained with, it carries a strange sense of familiarity — as if it belongs there. I don’t know why that is, and I don’t feel the need to explain it yet. These are only first steps. Any real understanding will arrive later, earned quietly through repetition and patience.

The afternoon drifted into conversation with new friends and, unexpectedly, back toward an old project I had set aside for too long.

Cloud Conscious.

Eighteen months in, the book still feels alive. It still has weight. But it also feels unfinished in a way that can’t be rushed. Another year of work wouldn’t surprise me. That thought doesn’t discourage me — it just tells the truth.

What does unsettle me slightly is the familiar pull in too many directions. Training. Writing. Teaching. Building something new. None of this is unfamiliar, yet I notice the tension it creates. A subtle discomfort that doesn’t shout, but lingers.

I recognise it for what it is.

Not confusion — hesitation.

That old instinct to stay just out of reach. To keep things alive by never quite finishing them. To remain safe by standing slightly back, watching from the edges, protected from both failure and success.

It’s a comfortable position. And one I’ve outgrown.

If this life is going to mean what I think it can mean, then I need to risk more than effort. I need to risk exposure. Letting the work be seen. Letting it fail or succeed on its own terms.

It’s time to step forward — not in one direction, but in many — and allow whatever comes to come.

That, too, is part of the practice.