Heavy Weather

The rain was relentless today. Heavy enough to shape the entire morning. I find it slightly amusing that, for someone who claims not to care much about the weather, I write about it so often. Still, it does have a way of seeping into everything — especially training.

Each session lately feels as unpredictable as the mornings themselves. Wet, windy, unsettled. The weather has shifted, and with it, something in the mood of the school. It shouldn’t matter to me. And yet, it does — at least a little.

Part of it may be the fast form I’ve been working on. Each time I return to it, I’m reminded of how much I still don’t know. That realisation isn’t comfortable, but it does feel honest. If nothing else, it suggests I’m still stretching toward something rather than circling what’s already familiar.

I’ve also noticed a subtle change in myself when I spend time talking with Jen. My mood tightens. It feels like a fragment of Bali has followed me here — not the part I miss, but the part that eventually wore me down. A quiet undercurrent of judgment, delivered indirectly, wrapped in certainty.

It brings back a world where people speak as if they already know the answers, and that knowing somehow places them above others. I find I have less tolerance for that now. Not because I’ve arrived anywhere better, but because I no longer believe certainty is the point.

Not knowing leaves room for attention. For curiosity. For staying with what’s actually happening rather than standing above it. That feels closer to where I want to be — now, and for as long as I can manage it.

I don’t want to withdraw or harden. But I am becoming clearer about what kinds of company I no longer need. Not out of rejection — simply out of care for the life I’m trying to live.

The rain kept falling.
Practice kept moving.
And somehow, that felt like enough for today.